Gone

 Christmas Day.  The year is almost over.  The kids enjoyed their presents and time with cousins.  We simplified this year due to illness and overall fatigue. It was the best decision with enjoying focusing our gift giving on just on other person in our extended family.  

Speaking of fatigue- long Covid and C-Diff have really taken a toll on me.  I’m hoping for continued improvement in healing in the New Year.  This type of fatigue is now familiar to me after dealing with it for five months and it is very different than fatigue of caring for a newborn or fussy sick toddler.  It is different than fatigue from working out too hard or pulling an all nighter to complete a project in school.  This type of fatigue slowly creeps up and steadily eats away at productivity and plans.  

I’ve not been a fantastic sleeper for years, but counseling patients about sleep hygiene makes me aware of what I’m doing right and what I could be doing better.  The pain from battling recurring diarrhea often wakes me at night.  I’ll try and distract myself by scrolling news stories, looking at social media and finally getting out of bed to take a bath and sit in the recliner until I feel sleepy or the pain has passed allowing me to sleep.  

One thing that I do well with is waking up at the same time every day and generally keeping to the same bed time.  Napping during the day disrupts my night time sleep, but laying down to rest is sometimes the only solution.  I find that my energy fades from what used to be normal tasks like doing laundry or grocery shopping.  Keeping my calendar straight and doing any work that requires higher level planning is still a struggle.  

I am still mentally strong through all this time because of the support from a fantastic family.  Tomorrow is another day.  Here is hoping for a peaceful sleep.

Set . . .

I'm working on carving out time for me at the gym just three days a week.  The other two are for cuddling extra in the morning or getting to work early to get a jump on the day.  So far it feels great to be moving, lifting and stretching.  Eating . . . not ready to tackle that just yet.  I also want to get started again with my Rosetta Stone.  I feel empowered at this moment.

Ready . . .

I'm getting ready to embark on an amazing year.  With my daughter's first birthday approaching and my business ready to open any day now, I'm getting ready to put into action all the day dreams I've had for the past 15 years.  I have a fabulous new office and the flexibility to be my own boss.  I have a supportive, handsome and loving husband.  I have a beautiful, athletic and smart daughter.  I have a roof over my head, good health, reliable transportation, clothing for my body, and food in my belly.  I have what many people who live in poverty would view as an abundant life. 

I no longer have to sit in traffic for two to four hours a day.  I can spend more time with my family, and for myself.  I am my own boss, for both the good and bad that the tittle brings.  So why have I not jumped into my new found time with more gusto?  I had so many plans for that extra time each day.  The reality is that old patterns and routines are hard to break. 

I realize what a great opportunity I have in front of me, and the temptation to fall into old routines it more massive than I originally thought.  I've lived in a high stress lifestyle for so many years, that I forgot for a time what it was to not be "on edge" all the time.  Too little sleep, too much caffeine and sugar, not enough physical exercise.  I've used food as a comfort and neglected my body.  I would never allow the empty calories that pass through my mouth to go into my daughter's body.  Sugar and simple carbohydrates have soothed me into submission over the years, but I'm getting good and angry.  I'm a fighter and a survivor.  I won't let old habits and patterns win.

So this is it, I'm declaring a year for myself.  My daughter is getting closer to weaning.  We're not planning a baby for this year.  I've changed my work life radically to accommodate a life that I want.  Now is the time for me to make the changes.  I tend to be all or nothing in my approach to many things in life, but in my weight it hasn't worked.  I'm switching gears and changing tracks - it's time to do the 80/20 rule.  Get it right most of the time and enjoy the ride.

Now I've lost weight and exercised before and felt so much better.  However I get derailed by life.  I'm smart enough to know the principles of fewer calories in than burned = weight loss.  However I'm changing my focus from "I want to loose this much weight by this time or for this event".  I'm no longer tying my happiness to a number on the scale or printed on the inside of my clothing.  Instead, I want to see how I feel when given the freedom to take care of myself for an hour a day.  I reside in a body that deserves more love and respect than I have been giving it.  I'm going to find things that I can do for myself that build joy and happiness physically.  I'm going to take the long view and see how far I can get in a year.  I suspect that I can be in a much better place in a year.  I am ready to do this!